Set Yourself Free - Becoming “Self-Differentiated”
After 25 years of experience as a professional leadership coach, I have learned and taught many leadership concepts. One of the most profound is one from Edwin Friedman’s “A Failure of Nerve.” He says we must increase our capacity to self-regulate our capacity for self-regulation. Imagine if each of us could react better to every situation we face what a difference that would make. This leads to Friedman’s concept of “self-differentiated leadership” which is the subject of today’s blog.
Recently, I was a guest speaker at a two-day Southeastern Europe Leadership conference, and the incredibly bright and talented attendees were from six of the 12 Balkan countries, Kosovo, Montenegro, North Macedonia, Serbia, Albania, and Bosnia Herzegovina. The topic was Leadership Styles and how emotional intelligence plays a role. There was a wonderful exchange of ideas, practical applications, and shared learning over the two days. However, I was struck by one very dominant and proverbial “elephant in the room.” The undeniable feeling that there is a “price to pay” if you speak up, speak out or, God forbid, speak against peers or upper leadership.
When we discussed ways to leverage their ideas and talents to become more effective leaders, there was a very clear unwillingness to go against the grain for fear of reprisal, retaliation, or rejection. I was both emotionally moved and professionally intrigued by how strong this honest and overt sentiment was from nearly every person in the room. I found this same dynamic when conducting a leadership program in Slovenia the month before, attended by young 30-ish professionals from sixteen European countries. Quite possibly, some of this could be explained, in part, by the historical trauma of decades of communistic rule and the ever-present near-by threat these particular countries have experienced. Interestingly, over the 25-plus years that I have been a professional coach, working with thousands of individuals and groups of professionals at all organizational levels, I have found some element of this very same fear that often accompanies one’s own sense of leadership. In fact, I have found it deeply woven into the fabric of daily work, and in nearly everyone’s interpersonal reality.
In Edwin Freidman’s book, “A Failure of Nerve,” the author takes this “fear of what others might think or do” leadership dynamic head-on. Friedman elegantly articulates that there is a very important lesson that every leader must learn to be effective. Using the metaphor of the human immune system, he tells us that we must be “immune from” and “not let the anxiety of other people determine” how we behave. If I need to speak up about an important topic, but don’t because I am afraid of other peoples’ reactions, there is a “Failure of Nerve.” When this happens, I become what Friedman calls, a NON-self-differentiated leader. The term means that I have not learned (yet) to differentiate myself from what others think or feel and subsequently I allow what others might think, feel, or do to determine (control) my decision-making and my behavior.
While challenging to get there, becoming a self-differentiated leader, or better yet, a self-differentiated human being, is an incredibly freeing place. Once you arrive, your life will change forever. This I promise you. Your work, your friendships, and your family dynamics will take on a new and more honest existence because you will no longer hold yourself responsible for, and therefore no longer be controlled by, the emotions of others’ fears, anxieties, issues and, in some cases, hidden agendas.
Please note that becoming and being a self-differentiated leader or person does NOT mean that you stop caring about what people might think, feel, or how they might react. You do not jettison your compassion or caring in any way. If anything, self-differentiated leadership lets you see your colleagues, friends, and family more clearly AND more objectively with an added layer of compassion. This allows you to learn what is your “stuff” and what is their “stuff.” It is about you making sure you keep your own appropriate level of responsibility for every situation, and you help others assume theirs.
Setting yourself free in this way is actually a gift to others. Helping them to become more responsible and more in control of their own precious and all-too-brief lives. And with this gift, maybe they too will become free like you.
Join Us!
I invite you to join our LinkedIn Group called, “A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman discussion group” and to encourage your colleagues to join us as well. When we have a few more members we will schedule a Zoom to have an in-depth conversation about Mr. Friedman’s concepts and how to apply them to our own lives and our work. Learn more HERE.
